Training a Heart

Children are the raw potential of humanity, brimming with love, wonder, energy, forgiveness, tenderness, and all things selfish too. Training them to nurture the best of their human nature, and to tame the worst of it, is the most rewarding duty and honor...tricky, messy and beautiful all at once.

The dirty work of holding the line, and upsetting a child with “no”, “stop” or “you have to fix that now”, is not as hard when “that was amazing”, “look at how far you have come” and “go for it” are also a big part of the relationship.  There are less opportunities to champion their character and achievements, however, if the unpleasant work of managing their selfish and damaging parts is not done first.  With the elements of a hero or a monster ever present, a person’s character is formed by a series of choices and solidified by each repeating choice.  Parents and mentors can make positive, healthy choices more rewarding and negative, damaging choices more costly to guide the choice patterns.  Training a heart, however, is not just behavior modification.  

Rules set up healthy practices for balanced interactions… usually.  Fair and just rules pave the way in the right direction, but they don’t really suffice.  Everyone can figure out how to skirt the rules eventually or twist a situation. As with a clever little puzzle, some cannot resist trying to outwit the rules, even if there is no malicious intent. Rules alone are inadequate, because they only address the actions and general behavior of individuals.  Behavior is like clothing; whether crude or elegant, it is the character wearing it that matters. The majority of behavior is quite telling of the character; however, just as a good action can be done for selfish, manipulative reasons, things are not always as they present. 

Rather than just addressing behavior, training a heart involves challenging the underlying intentions, beliefs and attitudes from which behavior stems.  Getting to the root of why certain actions were done, where things went wrong and how to prevent it from happening again is essential to helping a child master their own challenges and craft their own true character.  Fostering a balanced awareness, noble aspirations and self-discipline equips them to become the good-hearted, salt-of-the-earth people the world needs.  

Champion Noble Aspirations

Training a heart starts with establishing the beauty and importance of noble traits, and each individual’s innate design to embody those traits in their own unique way. Humility, generosity, courage - such traits are meant to be cornerstones in each person’s identity, however it takes attentive mentoring and sometimes, very uncomfortable consequences and confrontations to work the noble traits out of the heap of human qualities and into their rightful place.  Recognizing and discussing the power and sacrifice involved in acts of love, patience, consideration or gratitude brings the texture and form of that cornerstone to the fingertips.  The better known and appreciated a material is, the better a child can use that material in constructing their character.  

As cornerstones, traits like honesty, perseverance and grace add depth to thoughts, meaning to life pursuits and stability to one’s identity.  When difficult decisions are made and noble intentions are pursued, noticing and championing those moments, even the small ones, helps a child feel the magnitude of their progress, and the camaraderie of someone with them on that journey to becoming the person they want to be. 

Build Balanced Awareness

Encouraging and championing healthy beliefs, noble intentions and positive attitudes is critical to healthy development and a healthy self-image, but it is also essential to be real about the ugly.  Not every infraction needs to be nailed, but noticed, yes.  As parents, attentive awareness is key to helping children be real about themselves and develop their skills at shaping their own hearts and their own futures.  

There is always justification for wrongdoing: self-preservation, distraction, ignorance, uncertainty, overwhelming natural inclinations, mishandling the sheer number of factors, etc.  When there is a solid foundation of appreciating and striving for moral excellence, then excuses can be seen for what they are - sadly fragmented reasoning.  Excuses are fragmented, because they only take into account the immediate factors affecting oneself, neglecting the broader scope of others and the long-range goal of the type of person one intends to be.   Rather than entertaining excuses as holistic justification, validate the struggle while holding to the standard of better objectives and strategies based on the noble traits esteemed.

Helping a child establish a balanced self-awareness will free them to address (rather than hide from) their weaknesses while maintaining a humble confidence.  Firm yet matter-of-fact accountability creates a stable emotional setting, demonstrating the strength of resolve over condescension, shame or guilt, which can lead to clouded motives for improvement and unstable self-images.  Modeling that humble confidence can make it easier for a child to emulate the same.

As a child becomes adept at discerning the many ways faulty motives can creep into their own actions, it becomes easier for them to recognize the struggles of others, and the nefarious strategies as well.  In these highly sensitive times, it is all the more valuable to be skilled at dealing with the offenses and shortcomings of others with grace and gentleness, while maintaining firm ethical beliefs and standards.

Cultivate Self-Discipline

Discipline starts externally, being modeled and molded by parents and mentors setting clear and consistent boundaries and values.  Children may not understand why it is unacceptable to hit, take without asking or throw tantrums, but that does not preclude the correction of such behavior.  Kind yet firm directions for tiny ones, followed by praise when they perform in socially considerate manners actually makes much happier children overall.  Everyone, especially tiny ones, loves healthy positive relationships, and considerate interactions are the only way to get those.

Challenging poor behavior and attitudes may not be the pretty side of parenthood, but think of it as being a master chess teammate.  When facing the world, parent and child are on the same team.  Though the parent seems to be the opponent during training, it is to bring out the best in the child and create the most abundant opportunities for their happiness.  That team solidarity becomes evident when the parent is the first to notice and loudest to cheer for the child…but first must come the training.  

Discipline designed to instill self-discipline over time has several distinct qualities or steps:

1 Alert Vigilance

Remain alert, not just to dangers, blatant injustices or rule infractions, but also to the less conspicuous undertones of condescension, vengeful attitudes, pity-parties, entrapment, etc.  For instance, many times it is not what was said, but how it was said that was wrongful. 

2 Firm Rebuke

For the child’s sake and everyone else’s, do not accept poor behavior, attitudes or character.  When reprimanding, getting emotionally entangled can muddle the resolution process. Anger is appropriate, however, when damaging situations were caused by carelessness, selfishness, malice or vengeance.  Demonstrating emotional control remains important as a child is expected more and more to demonstrate the same emotional control, but attempting to mask the effects of their actions entirely, hinders the maturation of their understanding.  Trying to live like a preschool cartoon will drive everyone crazy.

3 Clearly Identify Wrongs and their Effects

Lay out the chain of events externally and internally for each person involved and the damaging effects.   Discerning what was handled well, and where things went wrong is a skill that sharpens the more the current actions and intentions are compared to the virtues esteemed.  The fastest way to eliminate layers of justification is by asking if (or how) they were being kind, helpful, looking out for the other person, etc. 

4 Equip with Strategies

Train each youth to come up with ideas of how to manage difficult situations, look out for others, and set themselves up for success (combating their own tendencies or weaknesses). Help them detect faulty values, reasoning, self-perception etc., and address these root issues first, before etiquette, pettiness, etc. Lead with questions, and offer ideas and insights where their answers may fall short.

5 Set Things Right

A child needs to get used to the responsibility of reparations and apologies.  Facing the task of fixing, paying for, working off, making up for lost time or coming up with a solution for the situation they created, removes the need for lectures and instills a deeper understanding anyway.  Apologies that are not audible or authentic, signify that the work in their heart is clearly not done, and for older kids, it means that was just a practice run, to be tried again with a different attitude.  

6 Grace or Punishment

Grace is good.  Grace is what we all need.  Grace is also quickly forgotten in most cases.  Punishment can make the significance of actions more memorable.  This is where negative, damaging choices can be made more costly and less appealing for future cavalier moments.   A chronic lack of consequence results in words and rules being ineffectual, meaningless, literally of no consequence.  Light and trite responses can yield the same indifference, which does not prepare a child for real world consequences. 

When the helpful, hefty weight of punishment seems best, I stay away from timeouts and grounding, since they are sit-n-stew luxury punishments.  Work punishments are practical, helpful, build skills and are over with as quickly as the child sets their mind to doing it correctly (which makes it more redeeming anyway). Everyone should know how to properly clean a toilet, vacuum under couch cushions, organize the garage, sanitize a refrigerator or be a personal assistant to mom or dad for the day.

7 Clean the Slate

Address an issue, and move on.  Be aware of warning signs, concerning new patterns or general weaknesses in order to provide proactive and preventative support.  Residual undertones or passive aggressive penalties, on the other hand, poison the environment for everyone. If an action has lasting effects, be matter-of-fact about the long-range consequences to prepare them.  For instance the difficult consequences for lying occur later when honesty is doubted for logical reasons.  Sometimes people need a little space and grace to work through what happened.  A little is reasonable; a lot is wallowing. Forgiveness is best understood through experience…freely given, because it was freely given to us. 

Progressively, discipline is forged internally, but only as much as it is expected of individuals. As children mature, their ability to empathize, reason and override impulses develops, allowing for corrections of behavior to extend deeper into purpose, and further into ramifications.  Rules, consequences and breadth of expectations need to adapt or mature as well…so does the creativity of parents, since kids become better at evading accountability.

A child better able to reason does not always translate into a more reasonable child, because emotions and hormones are still at play inside that novice little human (or not-so-little human). 

When emotions are running high (especially with teenagers), it is helpful to remind, if they will not fix problematic behavior, it is the duty of a parent to fix it for them. It’s nothing personal, no animosity...maybe a fair portion of frustration and weariness, but no animosity.  As parents, we are on the child’s team facing flak and holding ground for the sake of their brighter future. If a child remains unmoved by reason, the only option is to make it harder and harder for them when they continue making negative, damaging choices. It may not get to the heart of a matter initially, but sometimes it takes doing the right thing over and over again, albeit reluctantly and even resentfully, before understanding can soften a heart.  Inviting a young person to come up with a better way for someone else to change their behavior is oftentimes followed by silence and uncomfortable fidgeting, but it gives them the opportunity to take the reins in bettering a situation. The goal is, after all, for a child to take more and more initiative in training their own hearts and resolving issues.

Self-discipline initially arises from avoidance of unwanted consequences, and though very useful, stronger still is the self-discipline that arises from valuing a greater purpose over immediate gratification. A young person developing purpose-driven self-discipline takes continuous refocusing of their intentions on the long-range goal of forging their own character, being the person they want to be, trimming back the justifications and excuses, and claiming the possibilities that inspire.

Equipping a child with balanced awareness, noble aspirations and self discipline gives them the materials to construct their identity with confident resolve.

A cornerstone maintains the integrity of a structure, holding things together against the elements.  In life, where pressures build and things may change suddenly, being able to hold oneself together with the integrity of good character and a well-trained heart makes all the difference in succeeding in the important things in life.

-S. E. Bocker

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